Revolution in Flopdoodle Page 2
"Good," said Quangle, "Have that skeleton moved, please. It's untidy."
They left the room, went along the stone corridor, round a corner, up a flight of steps, through a low doorway, along another corridor, up some more. steps, and out onto the half tower, (which used to be a whole tower, but was struck by lightning in 1226.) The view was magnificent. A broad expanse of countryside rolled. along to the far distant mountains, divided into incredibly tiny patches by hedges and streams. A broad river wandered from the mountains across this green and brown panorama, until it vanished into the trees surrounding Fizzling Towers. Over the mountains hung a blue haze, and the sun shone brightly on it all. They could hear the slow flowing river, the murmur of the running water, the whisper of the trees, and the trill of a lark soaring to the sky.
"What a view" gasped His Majesty. "And. so peaceful. You. would never think there was revolt brewing over there, would you?"
But the furniture van was still humming to itself in front of the castle and this recalled them to more urgent matters. They turned and went downstairs again. through the corridors with their straight walls and arched roofs, lit by widened windows where possible; And down the stone staircases, worn 'hollow in the centre of the treads by the feet of centuries. Quangle, still in spirit on the battlements, helping the inhabitants of long ago to pour boiling oil and molten lead on invaders, perhaps scaling the walls with ladders, while others on the ground manned the ballista. that was to hurl great rocks at him, was sharply recalled to reality by the great pile of trunks, crates, boxes, cases, containers, jars, baskets, cartons, cans, and coffins that was waiting in the hall, while the furniture removers drank their cups of tea, and looked at them curiously.
"Come on now, hurry up" ordered Quangle. "Don't laze!" said Prince Quangle, "There is no Time to Waste", said the lord of Dishwater. "We are Waiting," said the new Earl of Fizzling Towers, and picking up a painting by Vermicelli (possibly) and a tin of potted meat (definitely), he set a good example.
The furniture removers set their cups in a neat row on the coffin of Ra.Hetep, Priest of Amun (which was currently unoccupied), picked up the grand piano ... and set to work tramping up and down stairs, and swearing mildly. Four hours later Quangle paid them off and His Majesty and he tried to sink into the Chippendale chairs. They could not. Chippendale chairs are not made to be sunk into, they are made to be sat upon. Soon there came a summons to the dining-table.
After a small ten course meal. which included soup, fish, roasted boar's head, beef and mutton, and a huge pudding, the coach was run out of its house. Quangle thanked the butler, which obviously surprised and pleased him, and His Majesty, and the new Earl of Fizzling Towers, were driven back to the Palace, in the greatest comfort.
"It's a. pity we didn't have time to look for those maps," remarked His Majesty, with his Royal. eyes tightly shut.
"Never mind," replied Quangle, "When the revolt is over', you can come to stay for a few days."
"I'm glad you say 'when'," replied His Majesty grimly, opening his eyes, "I don't like the way that the Duke of Delphinium is being used to claim the Throne. I am sure that if the revolutionaries wanted a Republic they would be much. easier to deal with, but my nephew has a. very good claim and that may make it rather more difficult, because they are bound to end up wanting a Republic anyway, if they get to know my nephew."
But Quangle had gone to sleep.
**********
"Good morning, Your Majesty," said Quangle cheerfully, as the King, all neat and tidy in a new robe, came into the room.
"Is it?" asked His Majesty gloomily.
"Ah well," went on Quangle brightly. "Mustn't sulk, you know."
"Mustn't we?" asked His Majesty gloomily.
"The sun is shining brilliantly," said Quangle pleased. "You can go for a little walk after you have done your boxes."
"NO!"
There was silence.
"Have you seen this?" asked His Majesty gloomily. "Now look at what they want." and he thrust a newspaper into Quangle's hands. It said:
"THE WEEKLY INCOHERENCE
“A Revolutionary Journal devoted to messing up the Truth
“Week ending ......
“Editorial.
“CHRM! It is a truth generally accepted that when people reach the age of three hundred and ninety, their powers of sight and hearing are never quite as good as when they are only ninety or so (And at this point, we must correct a stupid rumour that the King is suffering from Heart Disease. We wish that he could, but of course it is well known that he is heartless.) Chuckle! Well, well, as I was saying, about the loss of Memory, and so on, (from which incidentally the King IS suffering, I think) these make the sensible government of a country impossible. Forgetfulness cannot and .must not be tolerated in the governor of a Modern State. Make the Duke of Delphinium your King.. Do Not Tolerate MUDDLEHEADEDNESS. We print below a. report of the Duke's Speech to All True Believers. In it he insists that the Present King is FORGETFUL AND MUDDLEHEADED, as he forgot his birthday and confused it with that of his brothers. Unfortunately the Duke was unable to finish this speech as he had forgotten his notes"
You see?" said. His Majesty wearily, "that little wretch making speeches!!"
"If I were you, I wouldn't believe a word of it," said Quangle.
Suddenly the door flew open, and in rushed the Prime Minister.
“Your Majesty, Your Majesty," he gasped, "I have got it"
"Got what?” asked His Majesty startled. “Sit down, make yourself comfortable, and tell us all about it. Does it hurt much?"
The Prime Minister sat down, lit a cigar with. the Editorial of The Weekly Incoherence and began: "A boat, of course. It is to call at Port Starboard especially, at three o'clock this afternoon, and should arrive at Doodledale just in time for tea, tomorrow. You will be met there. It's one of the lake paddle steamers, S.S. Tubby, and. it should be a most amusing afternoon for you."
"But I never ordered a boat," said. His Majesty, puzzled.
"Oh, didn't you?" answered the Prime Minister. "Well, I'm sure someone said you did. Never mind. We won't be taking it out of its way; the trip is just part of its usual voyage."
"Is it safe?"
"And who are the other passengers?" asked His Majesty and Quangle.
"Oh yes, Your Majesty, I am afraid I don't know their names, Your Lordship, but I believe there are five of them. I hope that it will make a pleasant change from your usual duties, and take your mind off the difficult problems of the revolt. Also I believe that the air of Lake Llydhyl is very healthful - and the fishing is good....."
"How nice," murmured His Majesty, "Well I think I can spare an afternoon all right. Can you come too?"
"I am sorry, Your Majesty," replied the Prime Minister, "But I must stay here and keep the country' going.. If I did not, you see, it might stop."
"Indeed," said Quangle.
**********
REVOLUTION IN FLOPDOODLE
Chapter Three
"Ahoy! Cast off!" shouted the First Mate of the S.S. Tubby, and he rang the engine-room telegraph. The paddles turned round backwards for a few seconds, stopped, began to go round the right way, and with a lot of splashing the ship left the quay.
This paddle steamer, the S.S. Tubby, in which His Majesty and Quangle now found themselves embarked, in shape reminded one very much of nothing in particular. It had been laid down in 1825, laid up in 1829, fixed by mistake in 1854, forgotten in 1856, remembered in 1898, and for some time used for transporting bores to Monomania for gold-mining, boars to the Flopdudlian Museum for stuffing, bores to their clubs to tire people, and Boers to Suriana just in time to miss the end of the War there. On the death of King Richard IV of' Flopdoodle in 1905 it was used. for the purpose of transporting the (then) unpopular Monomaniac Ambassador to the Coronation of his successor, during which (by some unfortunate mischance) the bottom dropped out, and the Ambassador, who was unable to swim, was drowned. Salvaged in 1921, it immedia
tely collided with the S.S. Washtub, and then ran into Port Starboard pier; when it had fitted some new hard wood bearings, and, for the first time, a rudder, which it had to be said made it much easier to steer.
Aboard the ship all was activity. A sailor rang the ship's bell, the First Mate paced up and down the deck. smoke and steam came out of the funnel, and His Majesty with Quangle, having permission from the Captain to do so, went down into the engine room.
"My goodness!" exclaimed Quangle, stopping short at the doorway ,and. watching the beam in the Engine see-sawing up and down.
"CLANK- a. Tishhhhhh CLANG! EeeeeCLANK~a Tisshhhhhh, CLANG! Eeee CLANK - a. Tishhhhh CLANG!" went the Engine.
There was a boiler - of sorts. With lots of steam too, most of it coming out of all the wrong .places. There was also a tin-can arrangement, which reminded one vaguely of a cylinder. Everything was joined with bits of brass pipe. Rods appeared to come from somewhere and go somewhere else. Wheels went round - jerkily. And there was plenty of steam
The whole thing did look rather like an engine.
"Hullo, Your Majesty," said the Chief Engineer, wiping his hands on a piece of oily rag. "l see you are admiring my engine."
"Well; we're looking at it," replied His Majesty cautiously.
"Or trying to," he added, as an extra. large puff of steam obscured the arrangement.
"CLANK - a Tissshhhhhh CREAK!" said the object In question.
"MOOOOOOOOO" it added as an afterthought.
"What do you use as fuel?" asked Quangle. "Coal? Oil? Wood?"
"Well zur," said an Under-Engineer, in a strong Mummerset accent, "At the moment we be using cangles, we be. But they baint much good."
"Well I wouldn't expect them to be," said His Majesty
"You are right," agreed the Chief Engineer. "No they are too expensive. But with the present coal, wood and paper shortages what can we do?"
"Not much, certainly," replied His Majesty.
"As a matter of fact," said the Chief Engineer, "the Captain thinks the future lies with oil, so he has brought new oil stoves to heat the boiler. But we happened to have a few candles left over from last voyage so we are just using them up. We should be making the change over very soon."
"Well," said His Majesty, "We'll just go up on deck and leave you room to move about. Later we may come down again, when you have made the change. Thank you so much. Come, Quangle," and as they went out they could still hear the engine going "EeeeCLANK - a Tishhhhhh CLANG!" and occasionally "EeeeeCLANK - a. Tishhhhh CREAK!"
**********
"Doof-a-doof- a-doof-a doof-a-doof" went the paddles, and the S.S. Tubby surged, or at least moved, across the gentle waves. The lake air was fresh and the sun shone down on His Majesty and Quangle, lying back in their deck-chairs. His Majesty was contentedly snoring, and Quangle was eyeing with disfavour a small and very black cloud in the North-east .
Suddenly there was quite an audible "Phufff" from the Engine-Room . His Majesty opened one eye ... and then he opened the other too, for the nice regular "doof-a-doof-a-doof" of the paddles was replaced by "Doof- a-glub-a-spoggle" and then stopped altogether.
The Ship's Cat, alarmed at these goings-on, ran up the cabin roof and dived. down the funnel, and naturally the smoke ceased to pour from the same. Then there were noises from the Engine Room which indicated a bit of bother, as everyone on deck thought, possibly the blowing out of the candles -- you always have to be careful blowing out candles; it's better to pinch them between your fingers, but you have to lick them first, that is, the fingers not the candles. Then no one on deck thought any more about it. .At least not until the Chief' Engineer staggered out of the Engine Room accompanied. by a large cloud of frustrated smoke. Quangle then was alive to the situation in a moment. Practically everyone else had only taken half a moment.
"What 's happened?" asked Quangle, springing to his feet.
"Quick...." murmured the Chief Engineer, "Get the others out ..... steam cut off from cylinder.... Safety valve too tight... Boiler may explode!"
Quangle had heard enough. He flung open the door of the Engine Room, and peered inside. .A large puff of smoke rolled. out. When it had cleared away he saw the two Engineers lying on the floor by the Engine, So he rushed forward, seized them by the coat-collars, and dragged them towards the door. Scarcely were they safely outside, and the door shut, than there was a terrific BAN'G and hissing of steam, the door burst open, covering them in soot -- and the ship's Cat was blown out of the funnel, and on to the Captain's cap, As the Captain was leaning over the side of the bridge at that moment. trying to discover the cause of this wretched noise that had interrupted his after-dinner nap, the cap slid off his head and into the sea, the cat jumping clear as it fell. The Captain took a last look at his cap, floating just astern of the paddle-box, thought "It was only my second best one anyway" and went down the ladder to the deck.
"What happened?" he asked, reasonably enough.
"Spirit lamp overflowed, sir," replied the Chief Engineer, "I turned off the steam to prevent burns, then couldn't get it on again. You see?" and he looked through the door, "The boiler's burst, sir."
"Can it be repaired?" asked the Captain.
"Ye - es," said the Chief Engineer. "Six hours work in it though, sir."
"Well I ........."
But the Captain never finished, for it was then that the gathering storm struck them.
REVOLUTION IN FLOPDOODLE
Chapter Four
"Full astern both engines! Hoist the mains'le! Port your helm! Luff! Starboard your helm! Splice the mainbracel Furl the fore t'gallant's'le! Hard-a.-lee! ... Get that cat out of here! Full ahead! Ready about! Reef the mains'le! Avast, ye landlubbers! ..... OY! Look OUT!"
Splash! A large wave interrupted His Majesty as he reached the Bridge, with the Captain a close second.
"Furl the mizzen tops'le! Cease firing! Heave to! Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!" His Majesty had clearly been reading too many sea stories, and had got them a bit mixed up.
Quangle came panting up the companion way.
"Look....," began the Captain.
"Out of my way, you sea-lawyer shouted His Majesty, quite carried away by the exuberance of his own verbosity. "Thar she blows!"
"What does that mean, Your Majesty?" asked Quangle timidly.
"I don't know, Quangle," confessed His Majesty, "But they always say it in books."
"Y - Your Majesty ... " 'began the captain.
"Yo ho HEAVE HO" called His Majesty, "Or you'll dangle at Execution Dock! Furl ... that cat AGAIN!"
"WILL YOUR MAJESTY KINDLY SHUT UP!"
"Aye aye, Sir" replied His Majesty.
"Stop that ridiculous nonsense at once," said the Captain crossly.
"Ridiculous nonsense indeed!" spluttered His Majesty, beginning to get purple in the face. '*What do YOU know about sailing a ship?"
"Nothing," said the Captain indignantly. "This is a steam ship."
SPLOSH! Another wave broke over the ship.
"I feel sick," said Quangle suddenly and he darted into his cabin.
"Now could Your Majesty help me?" asked the Captain politely when he had gone. "You see the First Mate is also seasick and I need a helper"'
"Certainly"," replied His Majesty. "What shall I do?"
"Will you furl the mainsail, while I take the wheel?"
"Aye aye sir!" said His Majesty. "But remember to bring the wheel back, as we'll need it for steering."
He went forward to the mainsail which as it happened was already hoisted as the Engine was inclined to go wrong quite often.
"That's terrible," he said to a nearby sailor, "Why the first real gust of wind that comes along will carry the sail away like a rag."
"It already has. That is a rag," replied the sailor.
"Oh." said His Majesty, as he inspected it. "Oh well," he said at last. "It's got to be furled anyway. I wonder how?" and the more he looked at it the less he liked the task. "Well, he mutte
red, "if I undo this rope and that rope, something's sure to happen."
It did. The mainsail dropped neatly over his head; he stepped back a pace, tripped over the Ship's Cat, and fell, after a neat somersault, into the barrel of fresh water which stood outside the galley.
"Phuff!" exclaimed His Majesty angrily, for although he was head uppermost, the sail stifled him, and he was cold with damp. "Ughfluffle! Plubblefluffleglug!"
The cook helped him out, and freed him. His Majesty thanked the cook and went back to the Captain who was still at the wheel.
"Take the wheel, please," requested the Captain, "Nor' nor' west and by west."
"N.N.W. and by W." repeated His Majesty. "B - b - but," he said, peering into the binnacle, "This compass. .... where's the needle?"
"Oh I use that for darning my socks," answered the Captain, "Is it important?"
"Of course it is.. How do you know where you are going?
"I don't," confessed the Captain, "But you can't get lost in a lake. It will be quite safe provided we don't hit a whale.u
"Are there any whales in Lake Llydhyl?" enquired His Majesty
"Well, there could be," replied the Captain. "It's not an inland lake, but just a long inlet of the sea."
''Well, if we hit anything, we can always wireless for help;" considered His Majesty, "You HAVE got a wireless. haven't you?"
"Oh yes, Your Majesty, we have," said the Captain. "A miracle!'" interjected His Majesty.
"But I'm afraid it doesn't work. You see, the Doctor ...."
"Which Doctor?" asked His Majesty curiously.
"Unfortunately, yes," replied the Captain. "He was the best we could find. And he was quite a good seaman. But if anyone annoyed him, he gave them toothache. The dentist's bills were terrible. So the First .Mate sacked him - and it's odd that the mate never used to have even a cold, but ever since his lumbago has hurt him. like anything." There was a pause.
"Well, at least you will have a lifeboat?," said His Majesty.
"I'm afraid not," said the Captain, "We -
"Why?" demanded His Majesty.
The captain fidgeted, standing first on one leg and then on the other.